Category Archives: Emotional Resilience

I am…what? How knowing the answer to this question can change your whole day, every day

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If I were to ask you who are you, what would you say? Do you know? And even more importantly, how would you say it? Would you be able to answer that question with conviction and pride?

Today I want to explore how well you know yourself and how sure you are about who you are, because knowing the answer to those 2 questions can make a world of difference to the way in which you experience your life on a day to day basis.

When a woman is busy, she has to get clear about what she needs to achieve in order to make the most of the time she has, and I know that you understand what I am talking about because I don’t know a woman who hasn’t been, if she isn’t currently, very busy meeting the daily demands of life.  It is just the way it is and every woman knows that.

There are lots of things that can get in the way of enjoying a productive day, though, and one of the biggest blocks to productivity in my opinion, is indecision.  Further to that, I honestly believe that the root of all indecision lies in not knowing who you are and what you stand for.

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit. ” – Aristotle

It is my opinion that excellence comes from getting very clear with yourself about who you are.   Knowing who you are makes a world of difference to how productive your day is because it changes the way you approach opportunities and choices.  Sometimes it is important to remain open to things but most of the time, remaining open only slows you down and holds you captive in a promise that may or may not eventuate.

“Your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision.” – Tony Robbins

When you know who you are, or decide who you want to be, you can effortlessly distinguish between those options that resonate with you and those options that are not for you at this point in time.  This is truly the greatest secret to time management I have ever come across, and what I want to do today is take you through a simple exercise that will help you to really get to know yourself or the you that you decide you want to be.

I want to start you on a journey where you know yourself as a decisive person, and I want you to know what it feels like to be living life on purpose. There is so much joy in living a juicy, authentic life that reflects your personal, heartfelt values and if you aren’t already there, it starts with the following 3 steps.

Step 1:  I want you to finish each of the following sentences with strong statements that reflect what matters to you.  We are creating affirmations here that you can take into your daily life as a reminder of who you are and what you stand for.  Meditate on each statement and ask for the words that reflect your authentic self. I have given examples which you are more than welcome to use until you define your own statements more clearly. Just be sure to choose statements that reflect someone you can honestly aspire to.  Choose to be someone you would be proud to look up to.

Spiritually, I am…

(An example here might be: Spiritually I am connected and deeply fulfilled.)

Physically, I am…

(An example here might be: Physically, I am strong and healthy.)

Emotionally, I am…

(EG Emotionally I am strong enough to handle anything that comes my way.)

Financially, I am…

(EG Financially I am fit and healthy and the right opportunities always come to me at the right time.)

In my career, I am…

(EG In my career, I am a competent and capable woman who leads from the front.)

In my relationships, I am…

(EG In my relationships, I am loving and caring and I enjoy love and respect from the people closest to me.)

Socially, I am…

(EG Socially, I am having fun enjoying new and exciting experiences that rejuvenate and inspire me.)

As a member of my community, I am…

(As a member of my community, I am a valued contributor to causes that matter to me and what I give is always greatly appreciated.)

As a person, I am…

(As a person, I am strong and generous and kind.  I love life and life loves me.  I am so very fortunate.)

Step 2:  Each day for 7 days I want you to say these affirmations out loud in front of a mirror before you get in to your day and I want you to say them like you are trying to convince yourself that they are all true.

Step 3:  Notice how your body feels when you say your affirmations.  Do you feel stronger, more decisive, more on purpose?  Are you standing taller, is your back straighter and is your head held high?

When you can feel these things in your body, know that you are ready to move into your day and know that your day will be exactly what you make it.  Carry your affirmations with you, if you like, to remind you of who you are at any time during the day and to sustain your new decisive state of being.  And at the end of the day, make a mental note of how different you and your day felt from this place of knowing who you really are.

And finally, love who you are.  Know that you deserve great things.

Important Links for creating a Juicy Life in 2016

If you want to know more about Holistic Counselling and Relationship Coaching follow this link:

Individual Counselling

Holistic Counselling and Relationship Coaching

Holistic Counselling and Coaching Services

If you would like to read my book 6 Keys To Happiness follow this link:

6 Keys To Happiness

Buy 6 Keys To Happiness

If you would like to take yourself on a 21-Day Body Love Challenge to heal physical and emotional wounds follow this link:

21-Day Body Love Challenge for Women

21-Day Body Love Challenge for Women

I look forward to working with you and alongside you while you create your very own Juicy Life in 2016

How NOT taking time to meditate daily is actually making your life busier

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After my last blog about reducing stress, MEDITATION seemed like the most natural topic to follow up with.

CLICK HERE NOW to listen to My Juicy Life Podcast #7: How not taking time to meditate daily is actually making your busy life busier

CLICK HERE NOW to listen to My Juicy Life Podcast Episode 7: How not taking time to meditate daily is actually making your busy life busier.

NB:  If you don’t have time to read or prefer to listen to this then click on the SoundCloud button and it will take you to the audio version.

There is an old Zen saying that goes like this: You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you are too busy; then you should sit for an hour. 

I love it.  Anyone who has practiced meditation for any length of time will know the wisdom in this and while it sounds ridiculous, there is an unexplainable yet undeniable truth that not meditating for 20 minutes a day is actually making your life more hectic than you realise.  Continue reading →

3 Powerful Ways To Reduce Your Stress Levels That You Probably Haven’t Considered Before

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Today I am asking the question: can you be busy and Zen at the same time?  And I say “Yes you can”.

CLICK HERE NOW to listen to My Juicy Life Podcast #6: 3 Powerful and Unconventional Ways To Reduce Stress

CLICK HERE NOW to listen to My Juicy Life Podcast #6: 3 Powerful and Unconventional Ways To Reduce Stress

 

NB:  If you don’t have time to read or prefer to listen to this click on the SoundCloud button now and it will take you to the audio version.

Are you a working mum who is constantly juggling work, children, home and other commitments? Are you feeling tired, stressed, overworked, underpaid, overloaded, underappreciated? If this sounds like you, hang in there because I am about to give you three full-proof strategies that will take your stress levels from ten to Zen in next to no time. I am talking about three steps that you can take action on straight away that will not only reduce your stress levels in the moment but will continue to reduce your stress levels over time.

When most people talk about reducing stress, they often talk about the importance of breathing correctly, relaxing the muscles and returning the body to the relaxed response through meditation or yoga, and I have to agree that these are among the most important things we can do to reduce stress and maintain a healthy balance in our bodies and in our lives.

I am going to address some of the things that cause stress in the first place, however, and you might be surprised by what they are.

  1. Drop the Drama

Drama is like pepper.  It is meant to add spice to your life not fill your whole plate.

The first thing you can do to reduce your stress levels is drop the drama you have attached to the items on your To Do List.

Believe it or not, it is never the ‘things’ on our lists that cause us stress.  It is the thoughts and feelings we have about those ‘things’ that cause us stress and many of us can get caught up in the stories we create around those ‘things’.

I am talking about letting go of negative thoughts like “this is going to be so hard”, “this is going to take forever”, “nobody ever helps me”, “I can’t do this by myself”, all of which create feelings of hardship and loneliness.

The first thing we have to do is make a decision to let the drama go.  Drama can be addictive.  It can feel exciting and make us feel important and special.  We often cause our own drama by leaving things to the last minute, being late, being unprepared, forgetting things and rushing around.

The second thing we have to do is learn the difference between fact and fiction. For example, “I have lots to do” might be a fact.  “I am going to die if I don’t get it all done.” is more than likely fiction and there can be a whole lot of drama and negative emotion around the fiction.  It is an exaggeration – a story – and the more we tell it to ourselves and even voice it to others, the more stressed we become.

Once we learn to differentiate between fact and fiction, we can then choose not to be drawn in to our own negative stories.  Do they help?  Do they make it easier for us to get things done? No they don’t.  All they do is draw our valuable time and energy away from the things that need our attention most.

  1. Stop Shoulding

Every time you start a thought or sentence with “I should…” it is like stepping on to your own back, becoming your own jockey and cracking the whip.

Another powerful way to reduce stress is to stop shoulding.  I do not know a woman who doesn’t have a list of shoulds stored carefully in the back of her mind ready for her to pull out and use against herself at any given moment.

The fact of the matter is that shoulding is debilitating.  It highlights lack, inadequacy and limitation and it brings about feelings of disappointment and worthlessness at least, self-hatred and a need to self-punish at worst.  How can that not cause us stress?

Shoulding was brought to my awareness by the author and publisher Louise L Hay in her best-selling book You Can Heal Your Life.  It is nothing more than thinking and talking about who you should be, what you should be doing and what you should have that you aren’t already, don’t already have and haven’t already obtained.

“I should be slimmer, I should be smarter, I should work harder, I should give more, I should have a better home, I should have a nicer car,” etc.  You know how the conversation goes.

The best way to stop shoulding is to get that list out of the back of your mind and put it on to paper, replace the word should with could and then decide whether you will or won’t.

  1. Don’t Serve Your Children. Teach Them Independence.

When I serve my children I disempower them and I make a rod for my own back.

There are many reasons why teaching independence is so important including less stress for you and a healthier self-esteem for each of your children.

When my children were younger, I did as my mother did (and her mother I suspect) and I did everything for my children.  It was, after all, my job as their mother.  At least I thought it was, until someone told me a different truth and helped me to view this parenting thing from a different perspective.

Our job as parents is to teach independence.

When I don’t give my children the opportunity to learn to do things for themselves, I am unconsciously telling them that I don’t believe they are capable.  I am also robbing them of the opportunity to build self-esteem in the only way it can truly be built – by seeing with their own eyes what they are capable of.

I am talking about teaching your children do things for themselves and for others around the home from the earliest age possible, instead of stepping in and doing everything yourself because you might be quicker or better at doing it.

The way in which we do this is by taking the time to evaluate what our children can be doing for themselves right now and then going about teaching them the skills they need to succeed in those tasks.  This takes time and it takes patience but in the long run it will mean less demand for your time and energy and a happier, healthier, functional family that share in the responsibilities with love.

Even if you take one of these on board your life will be less stressful and as the saying goes, prevention is far better than cure.

Important Links for creating a Juicy Life in 2016

If you want to know more about Holistic Counselling and Relationship Coaching follow this link:

Individual Counselling
Holistic Counselling and Coaching Services

If you would like to read my book 6 Keys To Happiness follow this link:

Buy 6 Keys To Happiness

I look forward to working with you and alongside you while you create your very own Juicy Life in 2016

Is Depression a destination or a signpost telling you that you need to move in another direction? And 5 really important questions you need to ask yourself if you are depressed.

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In this week’s blog I wanted to talk about depression:  what it is, what it isn’t, and how understanding it from a particular perspective can help you to live a richer, juicier and more meaningful life.

CLICK HERE NOW to listen to My Juicy Life Podcast #5 Depression: What it is, what it isn't and 5 important questions to ask yourself.

CLICK HERE NOW to listen to My Juicy Life Podcast #5 Depression: What it is, what it isn’t and 5 important questions to ask yourself.

NB:  If you don’t have time to read or prefer to listen to this click on the SoundCloud button now and it will take you to the audio version.

Many women experience depression and turn to a variety of coping mechanisms to pick themselves up and keep themselves going, including medication, exercise and therapy to name a few.  Many of them live busy lives, work full-time, have families to take care of and mortgages to pay, and they don’t feel they have time to fall into a heap so they just do what they can do to get through.  This can go on for many years, and some feel like they are barely keeping their heads above water at times.

Of course, depression impacts on everything in their lives from their work to their relationships, their physical health and their self-esteem, which in turn impacts on the depression and a cycle is created that is seemingly only ever heading in one direction – downward.  Life becomes a battle on every level and it is beyond difficult to sustain any level of happiness in these conditions.

Today I want to give you a new understanding of depression with the view to changing the way in which you see yourself in relation to it, and then I am going to give you what I think are the 5 most important, and most empowering questions you need to ask yourself if you want a richer, juicier experience of life.

Depression is not something you catch or something you wake up with but rather something you move in and out of.  It is a state of being. In fact, everything is a state of being if you think about it which might be why we are called human beings.  Diabetes is a physical state of being.  Grief is an emotional state of being.  Autism is a physical state of being.  There is no one way to be in a state of depression just as there is no one way to be autistic.  These are all potentially the sum total of where you are at in every area of your life and each one affects the other areas of your life.

“Depression is like a woman in black. If she turns up, don’t shoo her away. Invite her in, offer her a seat, treat her like a guest and listen to what she wants to say.”

~ Carl Jung

So, if you want to change your current state of being, you need to change what’s creating it, feeding it and sustaining it.

Where you are at physically + where you are at mentally + where you are at emotionally + where you are at spiritually + where you are at geographically + where you are at financially + your genetic predisposition + your programming + how you feel about where you are at = where you are at now.

Every single factor in the formula above is a variable because within each of them there are potentially an infinite number of possible states, and as a result, the outcome, the state of being or the way in which you are experiencing this present moment is also a variable and not set in concrete.  By changing anything in the formula above you will change where you are at in the present moment.  It is impossible not to.  Which makes me wonder, is depression less of a destination and more of a signpost asking us to stop, look and listen to ourselves because something isn’t feeling right?

stop look listen crossing

Which leads me to what I believe are 5 really important questions you need to ask yourself if you are depressed but want to live a richer, juicier life.  There are no hard and fast answers to these and some of your answers might not come straight away.  But some might, and they might just give you enough insight to change your experience today.  Now.

WARNING:  Some people might find these confronting.

Question #1:  Who are you giving your power to?

Who told you that you couldn’t be happy?  Who in your life would be most offended if you were happy and successful and full of joy?  Who’s permission are you waiting for?

Question #2:  Where are you not being authentic?

Where are you not speaking up for yourself for fear of causing waves or disturbing the peace?  Where are you being quiet or submissive?  Where are you putting up with something you don’t believe in, want or agree with?  What are your values?  What really matters to you and how much of your life is being spent living by a set of values that belong to someone else?

Question #3:  What are you getting out of being depressed?

What is the pay off or the advantage of being depressed?  What stops you from doing whatever it takes to be happy? What need is your depression trying to fill for you?

Question #4:  Under what circumstances would your current state of being be acceptable?

What would it take for you to be ok with yourself exactly where you are and function adequately at the same time?

Question #5:  What do you need now?

If you did decide to change your state of being, what could you change? Most people with depression know exactly what they should be doing to do to pick themselves up.  I have always said that there is no such thing as laziness, only varying degrees of motivation and I believe the same principle could be applied to depression.  So what can you do?  Where can you start?  Every little positive change will decrease the degree of depression and increase your degree of happiness.

I really encourage you to take some time to ask yourself these questions and listen to the answers that come to you.  You might be surprised to learn something new about yourself and it might make a world of difference to you.

Important Links for creating a Juicy Life in 2016

If you want to know more about Holistic Counselling and Relationship Coaching follow this link:

Individual Counselling

Holistic Counselling and Coaching Services

If you would like to read my book 6 Keys To Happiness follow this link:

Buy 6 Keys To Happiness

I look forward to working with you and alongside you while you create your very own Juicy Life in 2016

Does diet have an impact on our mental health?

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Does diet have an impact on our mental health?

Yes.  Absolutely.  You bet it does.  The things we put into our body alter our biochemistry and definitely have an impact on how we think, and on how we feel emotionally.

I recently decided to stop buying ‘treats’ for myself.  More specifically, I had decided not to buy CHOCOLATE ‘treats’.  It was my New Year’s Resolutions for 2014, and unlike previous years, when I might have resolved to change my entire life overnight with the inevitable outcome of an epic fail, and the subsequent diminishing of my self-esteem, I simply chose something that I thought would stretch me, in a direction that I thought would benefit me, but without being so ridiculous that I could never achieve it.

If I’d resolved not to EAT any ‘treats’ I would not have lasted the first few days, when my habit of looking for them still lingered.  But I only resolved not to BUY them, which meant I was still able to ‘indulge’ in other sweet food items if I wanted.

After a couple of days, however, I simply stopped looking for food unless I was hungry, and because I hadn’t bought myself any ‘treats’, I was feeding myself with more nutritional options and feeling much more satisfied.

It has been a month now and a few things have happened that I have found very interesting.

First thing I noticed was when I had 4-5 jersey caramels at about the 3 week mark, and woke up during the next couple of nights with terrible anxiety, and was very restless, so I know now for myself, without a doubt, that sugar impacts terribly on my emotions, and if I hadn’t minimised my exposure to it, I might not have realised just how much it was impacting.

Food anti-anxiety drug

Secondly, I used to think that stopping yourself from eating what you wanted was a form of deprivation, but I have come to realise it is a gift that you give to yourself, and that you are more, not less, because of it.

Thirdly, I have learned that the things I have always called ‘treats’ are in fact definitely NOT ‘treats’.  Instead they are empty, calorie-laden, food-like substances that impact on our physical and emotional state of being in a very negative way.  Eating processed snack foods is not ‘treating’ yourself.  It is actually hurting yourself.  Since when has it been a ‘treat’ to hurt ourselves?

Finally, I realised that ‘treating’ myself was serving two very important purposes.  One purpose was to self-soothe and the other purpose was to reward myself.  I am so glad I realise that because now that I have these new perceptions, I have new choices, and I can’t wait to see how the rest of the year goes.

If you are experiencing anxiety and / or depression and you are struggling to manage it, I challenge you to reduce your exposure to processed ‘treats’.  See them for what they really are and make the decision to replace them with foods that nourish your body as well as your emotions.

If I can help in any way, you know where to find me.

 

Do You Know HOW TO Build Self Esteem?

Most of us have a good idea of what Self Esteem is.   It’s the name we give to the way we feel about ourselves, the way we measure what we think is our worth, or the way in which we regard ourselves.

We tend to have low self esteem when we don’t like ourselves, and when we don’t feel we are acceptable.  On the other hand, we tend to have high self esteem when we think we are pretty good and believe that we have something of value to offer to the world.

When I ask people for a step by step plan for building a healthy self esteem, however, most don’t have a clue where to start, which tells me that self esteem for many people happens entirely by accident and at the unconscious discretion of parents or caregivers.

Clearly, that works well for some, but not so well for others.

 thinking pic 2

One of the simplest definitions I have heard to date regarding the development of self esteem came from Dr Phil McGraw.  He said that when we see ourselves consistently acting in ways that please us, we come to like and respect ourselves, and as a result, we develop self esteem.

When we realise that we have the skills that regularly bring success to us, when we create things that work, when we achieve goals, when we meet our own expectations and achieve great results through our actions, the good thoughts we have about ourselves are reinforced and validated.

This is even true if we have developed negative beliefs about ourselves through our childhood.  We can undo these beliefs by literally proving them wrong before our very eyes, and watching ourselves do that helps us to real-eyes that we are more worthy than we might have first thought.

I would add, however, that it is very important to be honest about what pleases us, and sincerely seek our own approval (self esteem) rather than seek approval from someone else (external esteem).  

How can we be sure we are seeking our own approval?  A simple values exercise will help with that.

By getting clear about what we value, and being sure that the values that are influencing our decisions and driving our actions are our own values, we develop a stronger sense of self, and from there, the opportunity for a healthier self esteem is greater.

If building self esteem is important to you right now, and you would like help working out what your personal values, or If you want to make an appointment to seek further support in another area of your life, contact me.

Are You Having or Being? Resilience part VI

Given that our thoughts underpin all of our feelings, and literally create our experience of life, a big part of learning to be resilient means learning to make conscious choices about where we focus our attention, and I’m not just talking about what ‘things’ to focus on.

More importantly, we need to ask ourselves what state we want to give our attention to? A state of having or a state of being?

happiness-flowchart-lg

I received the following in my inbox this morning from Charlie Gilkey @ Productive Flourishing and I had to share it with you.

Charlie wrote:  “We’re in the having mindset when we’re thinking about what different things – usually material things – we want to have in our life. We’ll be much happier when we have that beachside home, that new car, that degree, that new job, that new business opportunity, etc. In the having mindset, our happiness is contingent on us having something else.

The being mindset is much different because it forces us to think about what state we want to be in. When you think about it, the being mindset is that layer under the having mindset; we want to have certain things so that we can feel certain ways. That beachside home allows us to be at peace and relaxed. That new job allows us to feel more confident and be involved in better projects. Having more money allows us to enjoy our lives to a degree that not having it doesn’t.

But here’s the deal: having doesn’t necessarily bring about the being. We get the new beachside home and aren’t any happier because it’s more stuff. The new job increases pressure. When we get more money, we spend more money.

As we get further into the summer, I encourage you to think more about the states of being you want to be in and how you can find them every day. You might find that you already have everything you need. Find the route “straight to happiness” and enjoy the walk down it.”

I could not have said it better myself Charlie.  Thanks.

 

Turning Your Disadvantages Into Advantages

Part V in the series Resilience – What Is It and Why Do You Need To Get Yourself Some?

Have you ever noticed how easily your flaws and weaknesses come to mind when you’re not feeling so good?

Then, while you are busy berating yourself for being too this, too that, not enough this or not enough of that, your energy levels sink even lower and any energy you might have left to resist the overwhelming wave of negative emotions is almost completely depleted.

1048548916_pDepressed

At this point, you might go one of two ways.  You might keep putting any and all energy reserves into resistance or you might give up and resign yourself to the fact that you just aren’t good enough.  Either way, your focus is on your negative thoughts, and while you are thinking negative thoughts, you are going to be feeling negative things.

A thought always precedes a feeling, whether it is positive or negative, so it makes sense that if you want to feel positive, you need to have positive thoughts.  Lots of therapists and personal development facilitators encourage their clients to develop an attitude of gratitude by actively seeking out positive things about themselves and their lives, but what if there was another way to move beyond your feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt?

I once heard that the author Stephen King considered going to a therapist to work through his issues and learn how to conquer his demons, but then it occurred to him that rather than pay someone to listen to him, he could write about his “stuff” and get lots of people to pay him.  Talk about turning your disadvantages in to your advantages.

stephen king

When Bob Ansett opened Budget Rent-a-Car outlets in airports, Avis had 70% of the market while Budget was sharing the remaining 30% with 40 other companies.  In order to build their client base they decided to highlight their lack of clients and turn their disadvantage into an advantage by pointing out how much shorter their waiting queues were.  That took them from obscurity to one of the top twelve most recognisable brands in Australia at the time.

Budget

I could tell you so many stories of how people have taken what they considered to be negatives and turned them into positives.  I am a great believer that we experience things for a reason and that reason is so that we can help others in similar situations.  I think it gives great purpose to our lives, and purpose gives our lives meaning.

I wonder how you could turn what you believe to be your disadvantages into advantages?

Sacred Days or What Is Resilience and Why Do You Need To Get Yourself Some? Part IV

Do you take Sacred Days for yourself?

Also known as Mental Health Days, Sacred Days are just like holidays (what used to be Holy days) only they aren’t public holidays.  They are very personal and they only hold meaning for you.

It might be the anniversary of a special occasion or event that was important to you.  That event could be a birth, a marriage, a divorce or the death of a loved one.  It could also mark the end of a particularly difficult time in your life such as a serious illness, a significant change of direction in your life that holds great meaning to you, or it might mark the beginning of a new and significant phase in your life – a turning point.

Because we are all so busy today, we often don’t allow ourselves the time and space we need to truly process the emotional implications of the various events in our lives.  This leaves us with a lot of unresolved feelings from the past that build and build until we are so full that the tiniest little upset can tip us over the edge and make it virtually impossible for us to manage ourselves and our feelings in a functional manner in the present.

This is not a good place to be in, emotionally speaking, and it is a long way from being resilient.  Yet some people live most of their lives “full” of unresolved feelings and they have difficulty not taking things personally.

Being resilient means having the capacity to manage life’s challenges appropriately, and being able to bounce back quickly when we are challenged.

Being resilient is about knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are, understanding and acknowledging your needs, and ensuring those needs are adequately met so that most of your energy is available to you in the any given moment.

Being resilient is also about being prepared – having an exit plan, a pre-determined escape route or an outlet that keeps you functioning adequately while you are being challenged.

Taking Sacred Days then becomes a healthy way of making sure we acknowledge and honour our need to process the big events and feelings in life, and a great way of making sure we make space to process them.

Today is a Sacred Day for me.  It is the fourth anniversary of my father’s passing and I choose not to work on this date because I need to honour that place in me that still needs to rest and heal and grieve for him.  As long as I am able I will always keep this space for me and for him.

My Beautiful Dad

My Beautiful Dad

I visited the crematorium this morning where his remains are and I placed flowers on his grave.  I spoke with him for a little while, and even though I know he’s not there, I needed to connect with him there, and I needed to give myself permission to have my feelings.

Everything I have done on this Sacred Day, I have done with patience and love and in as much silence as possible.  No TV, no background noise, not too much activity.  I made sure I connected in meaningful ways with people who are important to me and in the process of all this, I simply felt my feelings and allowed them to be whatever they needed to be.

Do you have particular days or dates that you need to make Sacred?

What is Resilience and Why Do You Need To Get Yourself Some? Part III

Further to my previous posts on resilience and why you need to get some, Part I and Part II, I would like to talk about the importance of strategically stretching yourself through goal-setting.

I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to deliver a resilience program to 4 groups of young men aged 12 – 18 last year, and I wanted to share part of that experience with you.

They were a diverse group of young men from a range of cultures and backgrounds, and all displaying a broad variety of physical, intellectual and emotional capabilities.

To say that I was constantly challenged to put the skills I was teaching into practice, is probably an accurate description of my own personal experience of the program.

More than that, however, I was honoured that many of these young men allowed me into their inner circles, from where I was able to witness their growth over the course of the program.

I had never run a program quite like that before, and I felt I was definitely stretching myself when I agreed to facilitate it, but we did it, and it was a huge success on many levels.

You can read what others had to say about the program here.

In Part II I discussed the importance of knowing your strengths and keeping your achievements within your view to remind you of your awesomeness.  This can be really difficult for some people, and it is a great idea to revisit the exercise time and again and add to the lists as you grow in strength and confidence.

Stretching yourself outside of your comfort zone is another important part of building resilience, and this is where I, and many of the young men in this program grew greatly during our time together.

It is important to do this in meaningful ways, but we don’t have to take giant leaps of faith from the outset.  Small steps in the right direction are probably best because they can be monitored and managed so much better, and actually bring about a sense of excitement rather than making us feel like we have immersed ourselves in a sea of fear and dread in which we are going to drown for sure.

After taking stock of their lives, most of the young men chose to set goals that would make the biggest difference to them at that point in their lives.  Getting a part time job, giving their studies more attention, repairing a broken relationship, or rekindling a hobby that brought great joy to them were among some of those goals, and while they might not sound like a lot to us, these were enormous to them, without being so big that they didn’t believe they could achieve them.

This is an important fact about using goal setting to stretch yourself and build resilience:

You have to set a goal that you believe you can achieve and in doing so set yourself up for success.  

I knew when I committed to deliver this program that I had the skills and qualifications to do it.  I also had amazing people around me for support and encouragement, so it was safe for me to stretch myself in this way, and a safe bet that it would be a successful experience for all involved.

Climbing ladder

Once you have achieved your goal, you can set another one, and another one, and another one, and each and every success becomes like a new rung in your ladder to a higher, healthier self-esteem.

Can you imagine what sort of a difference that would make to you in your life right now?

Think about setting one goal that means something to you – ideally it will be something small that you have been avoiding or putting off – and I want you to commit to achieving it.

Think through the people, knowledge or resources you will need to achieve your goal and then go about taking the steps you need to achieve it.

Finally, I want you to let me know when you’ve done it.  I really want to hear about your experience.

Go go go…