In this week’s blog I wanted to talk about programming – how it happens and how our unconscious minds then determine all of our experiences throughout life.
I especially wanted to talk about Co-dependency which is a particularly insidious program and one that I am intimately familiar with as it runs deep within my family.
Co-dependency is also something that shows up in my counselling practice on a regular basis as it likes to reveal itself in the relationships of many a hopeful couple in a reasonably short space of time.
There are many ways in which co-dependent programming manifests in our lives so if you are struggling in your relationships or in one relationship in particular, then listen in, find out if co-dependency is an issue for you and what you can do about it if it is.
Programming is simply the result of our relationship with our world from a very young age. What we see, hear, smell, taste and touch gives us information about what to expect and believe about life and about ourselves in relation to the outside world.
Our beliefs about our abilities, our strengths, our limitations, and what we can expect from others and from various circumstances all form the framework of what can only be described as a system from within which we can safely operate and make appropriate decisions about our current circumstances.
Just like a computer program, this framework runs on automatic pilot and is reinforced by the experiences that follow from childhood into adulthood, and unless that framework is questioned, we will likely never experience anything outside of the what we decided to believe to be true when we were a very young child.
Co-dependency shows up in many ways but here are 10 major ways, some or all of which that might sound familiar to you:
- Unequal relationships where one friend or partner is seemingly benefiting at the others expense
- Self-esteem issues with intense feelings of insecurity and jealousy when there is no apparent cause for it
- Difficulty functioning without the other partner
- A driven need to fix your partner or make up for their obvious shortfalls
- Communication problems where direct negative communication is painful and feels like rejection and negative reactions show up like passive / aggressive outbursts followed by loads of guilt and shame
- Basic needs not being met
- Feeling responsible for your partners feelings or thinking your partner is responsible for yours
- Inclination toward putting up huge barriers and cutting people off completely out of an inability to set and maintain healthy boundaries
- Tendency to attract the same type of partner every time
- Extreme difficulty moving on from relationships and tendency to be gullible and way too forgiving
If any of these feel familiar and you think you might be co-dependent then you are probably not enjoying aspects of your life at the moment. You probably try really hard and take things very much to heart.
Believe it or not though, there is actually some good news about finding out you are co-dependent. Awareness gives us options. Awareness means we are no longer running on autopilot and we can choose to have different experiences and allow different beliefs to be formed.
The way to change any program is simply to educate yourself about it and question your thoughts and beliefs when they come up. It takes time but it can be done and you can be free of what can often feel like a prison.
In upcoming blogs I will be digging deeper and looking closer at more specific ways in which to overwrite the program so that you can enjoy healthier relationships with people who value and appreciate you.
In the meantime, don’t believe everything you think and be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
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